Our New Motto in Delhi: "Kids, Take Candy from Strangers"

Jama Mosque

Having obtained our $4 tickets to Agra/Taj Mahal for the following morning, we both were feeling pretty upbeat. Delhi is absolutely amazing.  Whenever I am in places like this I begin to wonder if these people are not somehow my own… you know, like I'd been misplaced at birth, flown to a different country and painted white to cover up the truth of what really happened following my birth—think Michael Jackson.  I say this not to disrespect the family that I adore and love, but merely to draw attention to the fact that I really like organized chaos.  I love how these people drive; I love how they interact with one another; and I love being greeted by Muslim bullhorns chanting Islamic prayers at 6 a.m.--"GOOD MORNING A-HOLES!"  That is the proper way to greet people you want to offend.

All that to say, I really like India; it is not the type of place a traveler would want to cut their teeth on, but with a little savvy and know how, it is quite remarkable.  With our tickets in hand, we hailed a taxi and negotiated a price for seeing most of the main attractions in Delhi.  We agreed on 600 rupees for the day, which was half of what the govt. info centers wanted and roughly $11 for a guided trip through the city.  We visited the Red Fort, which was the last great Mughal Fort built in India; let me tell you, this thing was huge!  Its size would dwarf any fort ever conceived of in the Americas.

Boys Peeing on Red Fort

While hiking around the area we saw our first rats.  They scurried about on the sidewalk in broad daylight as they did what rats do best—freak us out.  No one paid any attention to them but I must say that seeing them confirmed by suspicion that rats had indeed made it to India and they were not as excited as we were to be there.

We left Red Fort behind and went to Jama Masjid, which is Jama-mosque and Delhi’s largest Muslim mosque.  They did not allow short sleeves in the place, so Annie was forced to wear a multicolored mumu that was really flattering and drew so much attention that kids ran up to us and asked to take pictures of her with them.  We walked through a massive market/bazaar and then found a snake charmer with baskets of vipers.  This guy was the real deal.  He played his flute and would kiss the vipers saying things like, "They like kisses" and “they vely fliendly.”

The old snake charmer asked if I wanted to hold one of them and since I wanted to add to our new t-shirt brand called “Dumb-tourist.com” I thought, what the heck, the strange and crazy old snake charmer that I just met on the side of the street said one of the most poisonous snakes in the world is friendly and that it likes kisses; what could go wrong?

Like I said, these are my people and evidently their snakes are my peeps as well; we kicked it old school, New Delhi style, but just after he claimed his viper never bit anyone, it attacked his arm.  He yanked the thing off his tattered and thick sweater and then reprimanded the snake by smacking it on the head as if it was a toddler throwing a tantrum.  Smacking it on the head, of course, caused the viper to flare out and hiss in anger or as I like to say, blow kisses, but once the hypnotic tones of the flute filled the air again, the snake returned to his old friendly self, which probably meant he was trying to figure out how to murder the old man in his sleep by shoving that flute down his curry-hole when no one was looking.

Lotus Temple In Delhi

Having charmed my first viper, we decided to make toward the Lotus Temple.  According to the locals, and I have not verified this yet, the Lotus Temple is the building that inspired the architecture of the Sydney Opera House in Australia.  Upon seeing it, you might believe the story is true.  It looks like a giant white lotus and inside it is constant worship to numerous gods—they threw the Christian God in for free.

India Gate

 As we were driving to India Gate—which looks like the Triumphal Arch in Paris, which is modeled after Titus’ Roman Triumphal Arch in Italy—the driver of our taxi, Vicki, told us to be aware of three types of taxi drivers in India: one was the driver over 65, because old people were crazy.  The second was the Sikh driver, because they wore turbans over their head and their brains got baked in the sun.  He followed with, “I can say such things without being a bigot because I have a crazy Sikh friend.” 

I thought it always helpful to justify racism as long as you have a friend who fits the description of why it is you believe what you believe; then it is not bigotry.  The third crazy taxi driver to avoid, he told us, is the female driver.  We were told females should never be allowed to drive because their brains were so small.  He told us this while Annie and I were laughing hysterically.  He added while addressing Annie, “No offence to you of course.”  I added, "It is alright, her brain is so small she does not understand what you are saying.”

Along the way we found out the most important thing to know about India.  Our driver told us to give chocolate away to the kids because chocolate was like karma, good will come back to you and you will have great luck from spreading around chocolate.  Note, it is not good enough to give chocolate to the kids that you know; you must give it to kids you don’t know as well.  We liked this bit of advice and will pass it on to America: give kids more chocolate, or as I like to say, give candy to kids, especially if you’re a stranger.  I think this could really catch on.  Until next time…

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